DIJA'S SECOND ACT

Dear Mom, I suppose that the act of writing this letter means I'm starting to accept that you're gone. I don't know how I'm supposed to live without my mother. You didn't prepare me for this. I've spent my entire life worrying about you in some form or fashion. Worrying about what you'd think of whatever rash decision I was certain to be on the precipice of making. Worrying about your ever-worsening health. Worrying about whether or not you'd notice the weight I'd either lost or gained since we'd seen each other last.  (Spoiler Alert: You always noticed. Carefully worded reprimands if I'd gained, exuberant congratulations for a loss, unfortunately it's taken me years to rid myself of the habit of worrying about my weight before a trip home. But one good thing has come from this experience. I've made damn sure that my daughter knows I will ALWAYS welcome her home with open arms, and will never, EVER comment, or give a flying fuck, abou...

Dear Lorenzo, It's 11:27 p.m. and I'm up, drinking a mug of lemon ginger tea and re-listening to my latest video message from Cap. Again. But not responding. Yet. He called me to apologize back in December. I'd dreamed about him the previous evening.  Had texted Michele about "getting back out there" and dating again come Spring. And a few hours later he called.  We've seen each other a few times since and talk almost daily but... I want so very little from my man.  I don't want to live with him. I don't want to see him every day. But... I don't want to feel like an afterthought either. I'm an afterthought to Cap. And as you damn well know, I'm worth so much more than that.

Dear Lorenzo, On Monday, 12/04/23 at 12:42 p.m., I sent Chele the following text message:  "So, you down with my plan of us getting out there and dating this Spring?" She responded four minutes later, which, as you know, is an immediate response for Chele. "How did this become an US thing? I fully support a YOU thing!" I laughed before putting my phone down. While I knew Chele had no interest or intention of joining my dating pact, it would be hilarious getting to regale her with what was certain to be some pretty ridiculous stories. I'd decided to be more open minded this time around. Slightly younger men? Sure. Since I'm not looking for anything serious who cares? And dating outside of my race might be on the table for the same reason. (I usually have a strict "No white guys who didn't go to Cambridge Rindge and Latin" policy). No relationships this time around. Just keeping it light and fun. And then at 4:25 p.m... Cap called.

I don't know how to write about the thing I need to write about most. I'm losing my mother. And it HURTS. I feel so broken and... Empty Without her. My mother has Alzheimer's disease and can no longer care for herself. My mother no longer calls me at random intervals throughout the day to ask if I'm watching Jeopardy or My 600 Pound Life.  My mother can no longer login to Facebook to stare at images of her granddaughters and post how much she misses them. My mother doesn't always recognize my sister and I as her daughters. Alzheimer's is unbelievably, heartbreakingly cruel. Instead of being able to cherish the last years of her life with her, I've spent the last few years in constant dread of my mother's increasingly angry and accusatory phone calls.  We were keeping things from her, stealing from her, not calling to check on her enough. Though I devoted the majority of my waking hours either thinking of or directly caring for her in some form or fashion...

Dear Lorenzo, It's been a LONG, LONG year.  It's Tuesday, November 28th, 1:59 a.m. and I've just taken two Benadryl in the hopes that I'll be asleep sooner than later. But first I needed to say this to you here. I'm single again. Cap and I dated for two years before breaking up this past July except... Breaking up isn't actually the correct term. He ghosted me. After two years of dating (and thirty of friendship) one day he simply stopped calling.  Stopped returning my texts, stopped watching and responding to my video chats... He was gone. I would love to tell you that this came as a complete shock to me. It did not. Upon telling Michele, Maggie, and Fareeda that he had ghosted me, each of my girls expressed varying levels of disgust and anger but not one of them was even remotely surprised. Fareeda said it first. "But...isn't this what he always does?" Yes. Over the past few decades Cap has been in and out of my life. He has mental health issues ...

The past two years have been extraordinarily difficult for me.  I am only now starting to climb back out from the depression. In the Summer of 2021 my mom was diagnosed with dementia. Her decline has been extremely painful for my mother and our entire family. Her decline has been extremely painful for me . I "handled" it in my usual way.  By running. I ran from the pain of slowly losing my mother by smoking and sleeping and TV'ing and eating and drinking it away. I retreated back to the comfort of my comforters. I slowly fell apart. But... At last... Hope. During this, unimaginably difficult time, we received a miracle. My niece Jewel McKenna. And then Another miracle My nephew William Dominant. And eventually, I began to heal. During this unimaginably difficult time, I fell (and stayed) in love. Terrified But in love. I'm starting to heal. This is life. It hurts like hell. But eventually... I have to get up again.

Dear Lorenzo, It is a miracle at which I will never stop but to marvel. This miracle of coming back to life.    I did not think I'd know true joy again.  Losing you was inexplicably brutal. Six years later and an unanticipated glimpse of the wooden cutting board on which you used to eat your cereal still quickens my pulse as I stop for a moment to remember.  Losing you was devastating. Losing me was worse. I'd been a lifelong optimist. A relentlessly (and/or annoyingly) glass is half-full kind of girl.  You called me Disneyland. Your death robbed me of so much, not the least of which was my ability to hope. I no longer believed I could be happy. And that traumatized me just as much as your death. Healing has been a remarkable sight to behold. Cuz I remember the aftermath. I remember going outside in mismatched shoes and not giving a fuck. I remember the desolation replacing what once had bloomed bright with my dreams.  I remember breaking down in the middl...