Gone

I don't know how to write about the thing I need to write about most.

I'm losing my mother.

And it HURTS.

I feel so broken and...

Empty

Without her.

My mother has Alzheimer's disease and can no longer care for herself.

My mother no longer calls me at random intervals throughout the day to ask if I'm watching Jeopardy or My 600 Pound Life. 

My mother can no longer login to Facebook to stare at images of her granddaughters and post how much she misses them.

My mother doesn't always recognize my sister and I as her daughters.

Alzheimer's is unbelievably, heartbreakingly cruel.

Instead of being able to cherish the last years of her life with her, I've spent the last few years in constant dread of my mother's increasingly angry and accusatory phone calls. 

We were keeping things from her, stealing from her, not calling to check on her enough.

Though I devoted the majority of my waking hours either thinking of or directly caring for her in some form or fashion...

Nothing I or anyone did was good enough.

And nothing could be done to placate her growing paranoia.

Now, some four years after her diagnosis, I no longer receive screaming phone calls from my mom.

She's no longer able to use her cell phone without assistance.

I'll see her in a few weeks but...

I can no longer be assured she'll know who I am when I get there.

So much of her is already gone for good.