DIJA'S SECOND ACT

Dear Lorenzo, It's Monday, 7:28 a.m. and I got up a solid hour after my usual 6:15 a.m. wake up time because my arm is still so sore that there's no way in hell I can workout today.  Two days ago I got my first dose of the Covid vaccine.  There's no way in hell you would have wanted me to get this vaccine, I know that. You would have gotten it because you wouldn't have had a choice. You would have complained about it at first but eventually, you would have begrudgingly acknowledged the fact that as a first responder, there's a damn good chance you could catch this thing and there's no way in hell you would have risked your daughter's health by not getting vaccinated.  I would love to say that I made the decision to get the vaccine with the same sense of nobility that you would have. I would love to say that I did this for Amira or for the health of all those I come in contact with but nope, that would have been a lie. I got this shot for me. I'm so read...

Dear Lorenzo, Happy Birthday, Babe. Or rather...happy belated birthday.  Yesterday would have been your 48th trip around the sun. Aisha and Amira went to the Diner to pick up dinner for us (sweet potato fries for Nita, thai chili wings for me and Aisha, and nachos and chili for Amira because they don't do sides of black beans anymore). The family spent all morning sharing stories of you on our group chat and we ended the evening in the same vein, regaling each other with additional memories on a Duo video call. You were, and will forever be, so loved. And you would have been so proud because I didn't cry once yesterday. It would have been fine if I had of course but...I didn't. Because yesterday I really wanted to celebrate your life.  You remain such a big part of who we all are; Dwight, Danielle, Gordon, Heidi, Nita, Aisha, Sheree and Asia...you've left such an indelible mark on all of their lives. If I hadn't known that before, listening to them sharing their mem...

Dear Lorenzo, Sometimes I'm amazed that we were able to stay together for as long as we did. You saw the world as black and white, right and wrong, and it drove you crazy that I didn't. You were a strict vegan; a no smoking, no drinking, no nonsense vegan while I was a beer loving, prosecco sipping, pass-me-the-blunt vegetarian. We were very different people but for the almost decade that we were together, I tried my best to live my life by the high standards you'd set for yourself. The high standards you'd set for me. I only drank at family parties and special occasions. I only toked the occasional puff with your sister when you were not around. And I did my best to stick to a vegan diet, only slipping up with cheese on occasion because, come on, it's CHEESE! But now that you're gone, I often find myself struggling to create a new balance, one in which the only rules I have to follow are those I create for myself.  So... I'm still very much a vegetarian but...

Dear Lorenzo, It's Friday, 6:27 a.m. and instead of washing the dishes, instead of rushing to the elliptical, instead of fucking around on Facebook or starting my 288th lesson on Duolingo, I'm up this early (on purpose!) so that I can talk to you. On Monday, I worked a half day before logging off and going to St. Francis to have my first appointment with my new neurologist. The appointment started much like every other doctor's appointment I've had since I was diagnosed with MS twenty one years ago. I filled out some I-promise-not-to-sue-you-for-sharing-my-medical-information paperwork, I had my vitals taken and answered some medical history questions with the nurse, and when she finished I finally got to sit down and speak with the neurologist. After reviewing my most recent MRI, instead of launching into the "When were you first diagnosed with MS" question that I was expecting, Dr. Jalil surprised me by starting out with, "Why are you taking Fluoxetine?...

Dear Lorenzo, It's Monday, March 1st and I've been up since 4:30 a.m, dreading this very moment. I do not want to be awake right now. I do not want to be up talking to you. I'm not even at my work station yet (AKA, the dining room table). Instead I'm still lying in bed, the lower half of my body comfy cozy under no less than four comforters, while the upper half shivers against the cool morning air and bristles with righteous indignation that I, a hard working, SINGLE MOTHER can't even afford the luxury of sleeping until a more reasonable hour.  But...you know me well enough to know that even with all of my complaining, I'm secretly thrilled to be up right now. To be awake and doing something only for me. To be trying. Finally. The reason I have to be up this early is because as soon as I'm done talking to you I'm going to get on the elliptical for 45 minutes and then do upper body strength training as well. And after that I'll make my favorite gre...