Begin Again

Dear Lorenzo,

It's Monday, March 1st and I've been up since 4:30 a.m, dreading this very moment.

I do not want to be awake right now. I do not want to be up talking to you.

I'm not even at my work station yet (AKA, the dining room table). Instead I'm still lying in bed, the lower half of my body comfy cozy under no less than four comforters, while the upper half shivers against the cool morning air and bristles with righteous indignation that I, a hard working, SINGLE MOTHER can't even afford the luxury of sleeping until a more reasonable hour. 

But...you know me well enough to know that even with all of my complaining, I'm secretly thrilled to be up right now. To be awake and doing something only for me. To be trying.

Finally.

The reason I have to be up this early is because as soon as I'm done talking to you I'm going to get on the elliptical for 45 minutes and then do upper body strength training as well. And after that I'll make my favorite green smoothie (2 cups of spinach, a banana, half a cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk, half a cup of frozen blueberries and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter) which I'll have for breakfast along with a cup of grapes and half a grapefruit if I'm still hungry. I'll start working at 8:00 a.m., spending the majority of my busy Monday answering phones and email from customers before spending the afternoon emailing our sales reps about their expired hospital contracts. After work I'll wash a sink full of dishes, cook dinner, play with the dog, fold several bags of laundry, work on homework with Amira and then fall into a deep, coma-like sleep before waking up tomorrow morning to repeat the entire process over again.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it all.

Exhausted and not-so-secretly thrilled because...

I'm doing it. I'm a working mother who's still finding time for herself and as far as I am concerned, that is a HUGE win. I'm still working out every day, I'm still counting my Weight Watchers points in an attempt to lose the rest of this weight. I'm still making the effort to spend time with our daughter, who, while truly not wanting to spend much time with me these days, is still kind enough to throw me a bone every once in awhile (she's 11, I get it because I was the exact same way so instead of complaining, I'll take what I can get!) 

Anyway, this may not work. Setting my alarm for 6 a.m. so that I can spend time writing every morning is a great idea in theory but because of my overly anxious brain, setting my alarm for 6 a.m. means I'm actually going to wake up at 4:30 a.m. and lie in bed for an hour, wondering if a couple of Benadryl will help me sleep for an extra hour and a half or, will I take it only to wake up too groggy to write or workout. 

There are kinks to this system to be sure but...that's okay. Right now I'm writing to get into the habit of writing every single day. 

I'm starting over. Fuck love and chasing the wrong guys. Hell, fuck love and chasing the RIGHT guys too. Fuck chasing anyone ever again whose name isn't Khadija Jamila Brewington. I'm going to spend some time chasing MY dreams for a change. I'll get it wrong, I know that. I'm going to make a shitload of mistakes. But at least I'm trying. At least I'm awake long before I have to be, doing something I purport to love. 

For a girl who's spent the majority of her life not believing in herself and her own God-given abilities, there's a lot to be said for that.

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