I Wonder U

Dear Lorenzo,

Sometimes I'm amazed that we were able to stay together for as long as we did. You saw the world as black and white, right and wrong, and it drove you crazy that I didn't. You were a strict vegan; a no smoking, no drinking, no nonsense vegan while I was a beer loving, prosecco sipping, pass-me-the-blunt vegetarian.

We were very different people but for the almost decade that we were together, I tried my best to live my life by the high standards you'd set for yourself.

The high standards you'd set for me.

I only drank at family parties and special occasions. I only toked the occasional puff with your sister when you were not around. And I did my best to stick to a vegan diet, only slipping up with cheese on occasion because, come on, it's CHEESE! But now that you're gone, I often find myself struggling to create a new balance, one in which the only rules I have to follow are those I create for myself. 

So...

I'm still very much a vegetarian but I eat cheese and eggs again because I love both with all of my heart and should have never, ever given them up in the first place. Going vegan is a huge decision and while I love you...I shouldn't have given you that kind of control over my life. 

I almost never drink anymore and rarely keep alcohol in the house (empty calories!) but without you here I'm free to drink whenever I damn well please and am no longer the teetotaler that you wanted me to be.

And now that weed is legal in Illinois (YAY!) I absolutely smoke every day because it absolutely helps with the anxiety brought on by single parenting and full-time contract administrating. (Just a few puffs in the evening to help me relax cuz you know damn well I would NEVER do anything that interfered with my ability to parent our child.)

Now that you're gone it's my life again; I can live it how I see fit. 

I've gone back to Weight Watchers and have lost 25 pounds on the program so far. It makes sense to me, Babe, though I know for a fact that you wouldn't approve. ("Spending money to NOT eat? What the fuck? Plus we already found each other, we're done, let's just be fat and happy together.") 

I wonder how you'd feel about this resurrected version of myself. I wonder if I'm still someone you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with. I wonder who you would have become had you survived the accident and come home from that rehab facility in Desplaines. 

I wonder if we could have found a way to become whoever the fuck we each wanted to be while still being together.

I wonder if we could have found a way to make it work.

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