Blessed

Dear Lorenzo,

It is a miracle at which I will never stop but to marvel.
This miracle of coming back to life.   
I did not think I'd know true joy again. 
Losing you was inexplicably brutal.
Six years later and an unanticipated glimpse of the wooden cutting board on which you used to eat your cereal still quickens my pulse as I stop for a moment to remember. 
Losing you was devastating.
Losing me was worse.
I'd been a lifelong optimist.
A relentlessly (and/or annoyingly) glass is half-full kind of girl. 
You called me Disneyland.
Your death robbed me of so much, not the least of which was my ability to hope.
I no longer believed I could be happy.
And that traumatized me just as much as your death.
Healing has been a remarkable sight to behold.
Cuz I remember the aftermath.
I remember going outside in mismatched shoes and not giving a fuck.
I remember the desolation replacing what once had bloomed bright with my dreams. 
I remember breaking down in the middle of a phone call and realizing how desperately I needed help.
I will NEVER stop being grateful to God for healing me.
I will NEVER stop being grateful to the doctors who gave me the antidepressants I so desperately needed in order to get off of the couch.
I will NEVER stop being grateful to my family and friends for a support so boundless it astounds me even now.
I will NEVER stop being grateful for finally being open to love again.
I will NEVER stop being grateful that the words were always there, just waiting for me to sit in front of the computer again..
I will never stop being grateful that I get to parent the most AMAZING creature God could have ever given me.

I will NEVER stop being grateful.

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