DIJA'S SECOND ACT

Dear Lorenzo, "I'm skipping my workout tomorrow."  My proclamation fell upon your daughter's back as she sat inside of her closet, doing something I cared too little to investigate. "It's about time" was your daughter's reply, not bothering to stop whatever the hell she was doing to look up at me. "Since tomorrow's going to be such a long day, with me working 8-5 and taking a two-hour break to take you to the doctor's, and oh God, the car ride..." I trailed off, already feeling queasy at the thought of another nausea-inducing sojourn.   "Well good for you" Amira answered (patronizingly, I might add). And with that, I turned on my heel, and began the walk back to my bedroom, when I stopped mid-stride to stare in mock anguish at my elliptical machine. "Even though I try, I can't let go..." I sang, belting out the only Mariah Carey song I really love, much to Amira's great horror. "Oh my God, BYE!"...

Dear Lorenzo, It's 8:23 p.m. and I'm tired.  I'm so very, very tired. Tonight, in what started out as a joke, Mira brought up the notion of my dating again. I laughed her off course. Forget about the fact that we're in the middle of a pandemic, even if I had the means to meet someone right now, I simply don't have the time to date. Between working full time, single parenthood and actually taking a stab at having a writing career, relationships are the last thing on my mind these days. Besides, I've fallen for that one before, remember?  Didn't quite work out so well for me. I wasn't all that happy in our relationship. I got the short end of the stick. The woman always does. We do all the hard, unpaid work that is child rearing and housekeeping and taking care of our man, and in the end, there's no one there going to bat for us.  Fuck that, I'll ride this whole single thing out.

Dear Lorenzo, Today is October 19, 2020 and... It's a new day. Finally. Groundhog's Day has come to an end at long last. The spell has finally broken and I'm ready to face what comes next. For me, the cliches regarding grief turned out to be true. I wasn't irrevocably broken after all. What I needed was time to heal. You've been gone for 4 years, 3 months, 13 days and an infinite amount of heartache and... I'm finally ready to start living again. Over the weekend I signed up for an online writing class. Amira and I went for frozen yogurt in Andersonville then took our time combing through each and every inch of the Women and Family bookstore. I did my Spanish lessons on Duolingo (Day 137!), I monitored my Fitbit challenges to make sure I didn't fall too far behind. I watched football, worked out, and meal prepped for the upcoming week.  And I changed my facebook relationship status to single. 4 years, 3 months, 13 days later... I'm single again. And that...

Dear Lorenzo, It's Thursday night, 8:25 p.m. and Amira's in her room doing homework while I sit in the dining room, eating my dinner (a yogurt) and watching the game (Bengals/Browns, I heart Joe Burrows). Today was a good day. I woke up, worked out worked, walked the dog, yada, yada yada. There's nothing new under the sun. Tonight your daughter said that she doesn't know how you put up with me for so long. Neither do I.  During the course of our relationship I've done a LOT of wrong.  I misrepresented myself from day one, wanting so badly to be who you WANTED me to be. I'm no longer sure I can be vegan. I smoke weed...A LOT. I have Multiple Sclerosis and am going to take my doctor recommended medications whether you like it or not.  Our daughter has asthma and she's going to take her doctor recommended medications whether you like it or not. My friends, mother and sister are the most important parts of my life and you'll never be able to replace them or ...

Dear Lorenzo, It's 9:54 p.m. and I just got out of bed to make myself a cup of tea and talk to you. On purpose. I turned off Cobra Kai, got up from under my just washed comforter, and prepared myself an evening snack of a single mug of piping hot tea before making my way to the computer to write. I'm starting to heal. Not just the wounds that have grown out of losing you, but...I'm starting to heal from years and years of self-neglect. (Is that the right term?) As well you know, I've NEVER wanted to get married. I think you thought I'd change my mind once Amira got here and we were living together. I didn't. If anything, my foray into living in sin only solidified my theory that marriage is the death of a woman's freedom. Living with you was certainly the death of mine. I am not the victim, you didn't TAKE anything from me, I gave myself to you willingly. I gave you my heart but I also gave you power over me. The power to decide what I eat, what I drink,...

 Dear Lorenzo, I cannot fucking believe that I'm awake right now. It's Saturday, 9:14 a.m. and I SWORE to myself that I would sleep in today and do absolutely NO work around the house but... Here we are. I have BAGS of clean clothes to fold and put away, a kitchen full of dirty dishes to wash, and a bathroom sink that is still stained yellow from whatever painting project your daughter undertook several nights ago when she was supposed to be asleep. Most Saturdays I wake up fully energized, ready to work out and start cleaning as soon as the sun comes up but... Not today. I stayed up well past my usual 9:00 p.m. bedtime, watching a movie on Netflix. And unlike my usual late night fare, The Lost Husband was NOT a comedy. It was the touching story of a woman who moves her family to her aunt's farm to heal after the death of her husband. It was the type of slow-paced, quiet movie that you would've hated and been pissed at me for forcing you to watch. But the movie triggere...

Dear Lorenzo, I hate daytime television.  I hate the fake, manufactured bullshit that is Maury and the Jerry Springer Show.  I HATE all things celebrity like the Daily Mail show (which I've seen once at my hairdresser's; NEVER AGAIN) and TMZ. And as well you know I hate all of the judge shows, like Judge Judy and Paternity Court. But I recently discovered a daytime talk show that I actually enjoyed. It's called The Mel Robbins show and it's hosted by a life coach whose expressed goal is to help her viewers make their lives better. On Friday she said something that really spoke to me. According to Mel, we are all "one decision away from changing our lives". One decision. Just one decision away from here and wherever the hell I'd rather be. And so with that in mind, with those words reverberating through my brain all weekend long, I think I've figured out exactly what my one decision should be. It's time to give up drugs and alcohol for a while. When...