I Apologize

Dear Lorenzo,

It's 9:54 p.m. and I just got out of bed to make myself a cup of tea and talk to you.

On purpose.

I turned off Cobra Kai, got up from under my just washed comforter, and prepared myself an evening snack of a single mug of piping hot tea before making my way to the computer to write.

I'm starting to heal.

Not just the wounds that have grown out of losing you, but...I'm starting to heal from years and years of self-neglect. (Is that the right term?)

As well you know, I've NEVER wanted to get married. I think you thought I'd change my mind once Amira got here and we were living together.

I didn't.

If anything, my foray into living in sin only solidified my theory that marriage is the death of a woman's freedom.

Living with you was certainly the death of mine.

I am not the victim, you didn't TAKE anything from me, I gave myself to you willingly. I gave you my heart but I also gave you power over me. The power to decide what I eat, what I drink, and even what skin products I'd use. I gave you the power to separate me from my friends and, to a lesser extent, my family. 

I gave you too much control.

As much as I loved you, and love you still...I wasn't happy in our relationship.

Because I didn't get to be me.

And you weren't happy either because somewhere along the way you figured out that I could never be the person you wanted me to be. 

I'm sorry I failed you Lorenzo. I'm sorry we failed each other. 

I'm sorry.

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