Grown Folks Business

Dear Lorenzo,

In exactly one week I'll be boarding a flight to Philadelphia to see Cap.

Alone.

No Mira, no Butters, no girlfriends.

No staying at my sister's house where he'd pick me up and take me out, before dutifully dropping me off after our date.

No, this time around I'm STAYING AT HIS HOUSE.

With him.

And his penis.

FUCK!

(No pun intended.)

If there's one thing I've learned in the aftermath it's that everyone grieves differently; there's no right or wrong way to mourn the passing of someone you love but...

I certainly took my sweet time, didn't I?

I mean, I have friends who lost their partners after I lost you and have since started new and fulfilling relationships.

They've moved on. 

I, on the other hand, just finished packing up the rest of your old clothes to be donated to the Salvation Army.

Five years later.

Apparently, I'm in the slow class.

The remedial grieving group. 

Up until now I couldn't even IMAGINE myself with anyone other than you. 

Since you've been gone the only men I've spent any real time with have been family members. 

No one who has any interest in seeing me naked.

But now...

I'm screwed.

(Again...no pun intended.)

Because I have to start all over again.

Getting to know his likes and dislikes.

Letting him know mine.

Learning to be comfortable with somebody who isn't you.

And it doesn't help that physically he's PERFECTION.

Unlike me.

I'm NORMAL.

As you know I have cellulite and rolls and flab that you didn't give a shit about but...

What if he does?

I've grown a lot where body image is concerned. 20 year old Khadija would have spent the two months in between our visits starving myself in anticipation of seeing him again.

But those days are behind me. 

NO man is worth that kind of self-hatred.

And that is NOT the example I intend to set for our daughter.

I no longer judge myself based on the shape of my body. I'm a whole ass person and anyone who isn't interested in getting to know the person under the flab isn't worth my time, I know that...

LOGICALLY.

But emotionally? 

Maybe I'm in the remedial class here too.

Starting all over again is scary as hell but regardless of the outcome,

I know I have to give this a try.

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