Time's A- Wasting

Dear Lorenzo,

I have no idea what I'm supposed to write about.

It's Monday, 10:31 p.m. and I was supposed to be here, sitting in front of this very computer, approximately 16 1/2 hours ago but...

This time it was the dishes.

Last night, after getting in late from celebrating Mother's Day at Dwight and Danielle's house, I couldn't muster the energy to do the dishes and so, as usual, I had to do them as soon as I got out of bed this morning. 

During my writing time.

And as soon as the dishes were done I had to get on the elliptical for my obligatory 45 minutes because God forbid I don't work out, depriving myself of the endorphins I crave before beginning a long day of work and parenting. 

It ain't pretty.

And after the workout, it all snowballed from there.

As it always does.

I had to activate my new phone in order to have it ready for my 10:00 a.m. meeting with my boss. I had to get Amira up and conscious enough to get through the day productively. I had to give the dog her damn-near, hour-long walks (WALKS, PLURAL) because she refuses to go with anyone else in this house. (I know, I know, she's spoiled rotten). With all of this in addition to proofreading a paper for a dear friend, cooking and putting in an 8 hour work day, I have every reason in the world to not bother writing today.

Except...

That's what I've done my entire life.

I haven't bothered.

And where has it gotten me?

Not where I want to be.

So...

I'm somewhere between 16 1/2 hours and 30 some odd years late to my computer...

Late to my life but...

I'm here now.

To stay.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mountains

Dear Mum, It's 12:59 p.m., July 20th, 2026 (yup, I'm keeping track) and you know what I've just realized? Every day's the same. That's how it is now.  I don't want to say what I'm thinking but... Some days it feels like I'm just holding on til I can get to Jersey and Fred and Jewel and Charmaine and... Home. Losing Daddy and Lorenzo were each awful in their own ways (obviously) but this? Getting up every goddamn day (I'm sorry, Mum, but that's how bad this is) and... I am so blessed, but... I LOVE my life, my DAUGHTER, my family. my home, my job but... I feel hollow without you. I FEEL the loss every day. It is not unrelenting and it waivers in intensity but I've felt it every single day since you've been gone.  I've tried to use the term "transitioned" in lieu of "died", but that feels oh so terribly disingenuous here.  So limited in scope. You died the way you existed for me. Your presence (through absence) overt...
Read more

Back.

The past two years have been extraordinarily difficult for me.  I am only now starting to climb back out from the depression. In the Summer of 2021 my mom was diagnosed with dementia. Her decline has been extremely painful for my mother and our entire family. Her decline has been extremely painful for me . I "handled" it in my usual way.  By running. I ran from the pain of slowly losing my mother by smoking and sleeping and TV'ing and eating and drinking it away. I retreated back to the comfort of my comforters. I slowly fell apart. But... At last... Hope. During this, unimaginably difficult time, we received a miracle. My niece Jewel McKenna. And then Another miracle My nephew William Dominant. And eventually, I began to heal. During this unimaginably difficult time, I fell (and stayed) in love. Terrified But in love. I'm starting to heal. This is life. It hurts like hell. But eventually... I have to get up again.
Read more

Dear Mom

Dear Mom, I suppose that the act of writing this letter means I'm starting to accept that you're gone. I don't know how I'm supposed to live without my mother. You didn't prepare me for this. I've spent my entire life worrying about you in some form or fashion. Worrying about what you'd think of whatever rash decision I was certain to be on the precipice of making. Worrying about your ever-worsening health. Worrying about whether or not you'd notice the weight I'd either lost or gained since we'd seen each other last.  (Spoiler Alert: You always noticed. Carefully worded reprimands if I'd gained, exuberant congratulations for a loss, unfortunately it's taken me years to rid myself of the habit of worrying about my weight before a trip home. But one good thing has come from this experience. I've made damn sure that my daughter knows I will ALWAYS welcome her home with open arms, and will never, EVER comment, or give a flying fuck, abou...
Read more