DIJA'S SECOND ACT

Dear Lorenzo, There are still plenty of days when I don't want to get out of bed. Days when I want to keep my head under the covers, turn up the volume on my TV, and pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist. Grief isn't linear. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, others, the mere thought of bringing Amira to school in the mornings seems too daunting a task to conquer. But... Baby steps, right? I don't have to be perfect, I just have to keep trying to take baby steps in the right direction. So on days like today, days when I wish I could retreat back into my cocoon of comforters, calories and cable TV, I attempt instead to focus on the little things. The endorphin rush of a good workout. The sound of Amira's laughter trickling out of her bedroom after she's watched a particularly stupid Tik Tok video. The feel of my sweet dog, Butters, cuddling her way into my lap. It may not sound like much but today... It's enough.

Dear Lorenzo, It's 6:25 a.m. and if this were a typical weekday I'd be halfway through my workout by now instead of sitting in the kitchen, writing to you, but because my asthma is bothering me, I've decided to take it easy and skip the elliptical this morning. According to my favorite book/personal bible, The Slight Edge, sharing your goals with like-minded people can do wonders in our quest towards achieving them. I'm lucky to have found kindred spirits in my sister and our best friend Kay. Every Sunday, since the beginning of the New Year, we have a conference call to talk about our weekly progress towards achieving our personal goals. We talk about what went right, what didn't work out for us, and give each other advice along the way. My sisters have been a Godsend. Instead of the vague list of New Year's resolutions I've been making (and not accomplishing) since grammar school, I now have a list of concrete goals, broken down into weekly ste...

Dear Lorenzo, It's 7:23 Sunday morning and I'm alone in the kitchen, about to get started on my breakfast (since your daughter will be asleep for the next several hours) and Amira's crockpot chili for the week. Although I still have a cold I'm starting to feel a lot better and a hell of a lot less asthmatic than I've felt for the past several days. I have a busy day ahead. I'm going to ATTEMPT to workout today but failing that I still have to do laundry, both Amira and my hair, and clean up this not-too-dirty-but-a-little-too-cluttered-for-my-liking house. I also have to work on my budget for the week, which took an enormous hit since somehow, your daughter managed to break both her cell phone and her tablet within about 48 hours of each other. As frustrating as that is I couldn't really get mad at her. One, it isn't like she broke these items on purpose. (The way she's feenin' for Tik Tok and Snapchat can only be compared to Pookie in New ...

"You've been hanging on by a thread haven't you?" These words, spoken by a woman I'd never met before that day, could not have been more true. "Well" I sputtered, "My daughter was sick last week. She has pretty awful asthma and so I had to take the week off from work to care for her. And my mother-in-law, she lives upstairs, has bronchitis so I certainly couldn't ask her to help out. My little cousin, who lives upstairs too, has strep throat and she still has to go to school and work part time...hell, even my dog has been sneezing this week. Every single member of my household has been sick so I knew I'd catch something eventually but I couldn't take any more time off from work and..." I sounded like a damn fool even to my own ears. Yesterday, after feeling like shit for an entire week and a half, I finally called my doctor's office and made an appointment to come in after work to see the nurse practitioner, Nina. It w...

Dear Lorenzo, Today is Saturday, 9:05 p.m., and I am home, watching Curb Your Enthusiasm because HBO is free this weekend so happy birthday to me! I am 45 years old today. As well you know, I LOVE getting older. I love the wisdom that comes with aging. I love that the older I get, the less likely I am to put up with anybody's bullshit-ass excuses (especially my own). I love the feeling of becoming stronger, more confident in the choices I've made thus far.  I love the woman that I am still getting to become. Lorenzo, I am a proud, self-proclaimed nerd.  I record and watch Jeopardy every, single day. At family parties, I kick everyone's ass at whatever trivia or board game we happen to be playing. As much as I love television, there's nothing  that I love more than getting lost among the pages of a good book. And so when a member of my online fitness group casually mentioned a book that she was reading, I googled it, then ordered it from Amazon ri...

Dear Lorenzo, It's 7:42 p.m. and I'm home, watching Schooled, and nursing both a sore throat and a five ounce serving of prosecco (it cost me four weight watchers points and is worth every one of 'em). Today was a really good day. I woke up early and actually took the time to make myself a green smoothie for breakfast. Then I worked out and cleaned until it was time to wake Amira up for Heidi's annual, New Year's Day skate party. And after getting rid of the kid, I had a long, uninterrupted shower, followed by a long, uninterrupted phone call with Maggie. It. Was. Awesome. Lorenzo, this is the year that I live my life with intention. No more hiding out under my covers with the remote control. No more dreaming of the life I could be living while being too afraid to actually pursue it. No more being so lonely that I could cry (because we're getting a dog!) and no more feeling guilty about dating again whenever I am ready to do so. No more living in fear. ...

Dear Lorenzo, It's Sunday, 8:52 p.m. and as usual, Amira's upstairs with Aisha and your mom, leaving me alone to watch repeats of One Day At A Time on Netflix. I spent the entire day making up for all of the work I didn't get done on Saturday. I finished the laundry, washed a sink full of dishes, cleaned the dining room that Amira had covered in slime the day before and finally, did 45 minutes on the elliptical before lifting weights while watching the Titans demolish the Texans. Sounds like a pretty good weekend, huh? Well, it didn't start out that way. I spent Saturday in much the same manner I've spent many a Saturday since you've been gone: wrapped up in a cocoon made from my blankets, venturing out only to pee or grab crackers, cheese, and beer from the kitchen. Luckily, my bell jar routine was cut short by the annual, "New Year (PLEASE GOD) New Me" conference call I had planned with Fareeda and Kay. And for the first time in a long time...