Single and Sober

Dear Mum,

There are very few ways in which I'd describe myself that are not somehow related to you.

I am Merle Brewington's oldest daughter.

Her health care proxy.

Her accountant.

Her maid.

Her literal voice when she could no longer speak. 

Alzheimer's changed all of our lives forever.

With one diagnosis our increasing concerns for you had been confirmed.

You went from being my always in control, BOSS BITCH mother to someone who no longer knew how to answer her ringing doorbell. And I went from being a woman who was finally moving past the death of her partner to a nervous wreck who jumped every time the phone rang.

I haven't felt like Khadija Brewington, just plain Dij, in so very long.

I really want to get to know myself again.

To rediscover old dreams.

And to create new hopes and opportunities.

I can't do that until I stop smoking weed. 

As you know, weed is a coping tool for me. While I don't smoke a lot at once, I do smoke daily to deal with the constant anxiety I feel.

I'm afraid most of the time which I realize is the result of unresolved back to back traumas.

It SUCKS that I feel this way but...

There are other tools to help me manage that anxiety.

And I'll find them.

I'll have to.

And as I do I'll begin to find out who the fuck I really am again.

Me, living with fear, but living nonetheless.

And while we're at it, here's another vice I have to give up (temporarily).

Men.

Relationships.

CAP.

Lorenzo and I fell in love three months after I lost my Dad and while we truly loved each other...

I jumped in way too fast.

Replaced the pain I felt about losing Daddy with the happiness of falling in love. 

But I'm older and wiser now. 

This time I really need to grieve, not run from the pain by smoking, drinking, or falling in love.

Turning fifty was a signal for me, a reminder that I have to at least TRY to go about living my life to the fullest.

In whatever way I see fit.

So, for the next 365 days, my plan is to be single and sober.

Let's see where this takes me.