I'm Coming Back

Dear Lorenzo,

It's Friday, August 13th, 8:09 p.m. and I'm in bed, listening to music and half-heartedly watching an episode of BBQ Brawl on Food Network.

I'm exhausted. 

For the past five days I've gotten an average of four hours of sleep per night and I've finally figured out why.

I haven't smoked since Sunday.

That may not seem like a big deal to you but to someone who's smoked damn near every day since the pandemic began...

It's a big fucking deal.

For the past few months I've been telling anyone who'd listen that I was going to cut back. I'd make half-assed, haphazard plans to stop smoking that I knew damn well I wasn't going to keep. And by the end of each workday my black ass would be out on the back porch, blazing up. 

But on Sunday night I just decided to do it, to detox for thirty days.

And after months of agonizing about how hard this was going to be...

So far I haven't missed it at all.

Not the weed, not the alcohol, not even the chips and crackers I haven't indulged in for the past week.  

I'm just...

Healing, I suppose.

But apparently, smoking helped me sleep more than I'd previously realized; hence the insomnia.

So I'm going to spend this weekend investigating healthy sleep habits because it feels really good to have stuck to this promise I've made to myself and I'm not going back on it, even if that means a couple more sleepless nights.

And even though he doesn't smoke, Captain America is giving up alcohol in solidarity with me.

(SWOOOOOOOOOON...)

Lorenzo, I'm starting to remember who I used to be before you died. 

I'm starting to come back to myself. 

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