Two Steps Forward (You Know The Rest)

Dear Lorenzo,

I'm fucked, I know that.

It's Monday, July 5th, 2021 and you died exactly five years ago today so...

I should be depressed, right?

Today should be a horrible fucking day.

I should have woken up with a sense of impending doom at the emotions that today is sure to engender but instead...

I'm happy.

For the first time in the six soggy days that we've spent in Cambridge, I woke up to bright beams of sunlight shining through the living room windows. 

I woke up...happy...albeit a little shaky.

Yesterday afternoon I took what, for ME, is a big first step and downloaded a dating app called Bumble. 

It's an app in which the women have to make first contact with any man they may find appealing. 

Sounds like a great idea, right? No more douchy guys sliding into our proverbial DMs without being invited there first. But...had I taken some time to think about it, I would have realized that this is NOT the app for me. 

I have zero interest or intention of making the first move and writing to ANYONE on this or any other dating site.

I have zero interest or intention of learning how to use Bumble and to be honest with you, the main reason I downloaded it is because it was one of the answers on Thursday night's episode of Jeopardy, which I am once again hooked on now that I'm back in Cambridge.

But I had to download it anyway.

Since you've been gone, an old friend has come back into my life. He is legit JUST A FRIEND but after months of Marco Poloing each other all day, every day, when I didn't hear from him at all on Saturday, a terrifying realization occurred to me.

I missed him.

For the first time in so very long I missed a man who isn't you, or my father, or fine ass R&B superstar Tank.

And so you KNOW I had to put a stop to that shit immediately.

Enter Bumble.

So here's where I am five years later:

I'm ready to date again but NOT to love. I know that may sound fucked up to you but...I'm not ready to risk my heart again just yet so anyone who is looking for a serious relationship should NOT be looking in my direction.

I can only get so close to someone before I pull away. 

Five years later, this is where I am but...

I am committed to going back to therapy in the Fall. 

I know this isn't healthy.

I know that my fears aren't healthy.

Baby steps, Babe, baby steps.

One day at a fucking time.

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