Confessions

It took Chele an extremely (and unprecedentedly) generous nine days to send me the following message:

"So, are we gonna talk about this date you went on?" 

My reply was immediate: 

"Ummmm...I've been purposely avoiding talking to you about this."

Her reply was even more immediate:

"I know. I gave you time. Time's up!"

And so after much cajoling I gave my oldest friend the deets...

Kinda. 

I talked about my feelings.

Kinda.

I talked about where we went and what we did.

Kinda.

But...

I was too scared to tell the whole story.

And I'm still too scared to tell the whole story but...

Nothing's ever real until I write it down.

So here it is:

I like him, y'all. 

A lot.

I had very specific plans for this particular area of my life. If the day ever came when I was ready to start dating again, I knew EXACTLY what my new type would be. 

To use a term I (SADLY) learned from Amira:

He'd be a fuckboy.

To use a term that's more appropriate for my age group:

He'd be a jumpoff. 

Nothing more, nothing less. 

My plan was to never, ever love anyone even close to the way I'd once loved Lorenzo.

Period.

So seeing someone to whom I'd once been EXTREMELY emotionally attached?

Probably not my brightest idea.

But we've been back in each other's lives for YEARS now, communicating via text, Marco Polo and even chatting on the phone on an ever increasing basis. And since he lives only 20 minutes away from my sister, it seemed only natural to see him when I visited Fred a few weeks ago.

It was on the car ride home, while regaling him with the adventures of my 24 hours on Bumble that he took my hand in his and said, "Or you could just date me instead."

And I reverted right back to my natural state of terror.

"No I can't" I stammered "because I'm still so fucked up and I can't lose you, too, but if we get involved I will absolutely find a way to screw this up and then..." 

"It's okay, I understand" he interrupted, not unkindly.

Crisis averted. 

Until he pulled up to Fred's house, walked me to the front door and proceeded to kiss the shit out of me, "In case we don't see each other for another 20 years."

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

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