Life After Death

Dear Lorenzo,

Each day I find myself more and more astounded by the miracle, the marvel of coming back to life.

In the aftermath I never could have imagined feeling this way again. 

Content.

Your death gutted me. I was unable to move. I was in a complete and total stupor for well over a year and it would be many more years before I could even imagine being a fully-functioning human being again. 

It was the bleakest, most terrifying hollowness I can ever imagine.

There were times that I literally did not think I'd survive it but somehow, with family, friends and the passage of time...

I did.

I have more good days than bad ones now.

I once again care about whether or not my brows have been waxed or my nails have been painted in time for Summer.

There are potato chips in my house purchased solely for the purpose of snacking; I no longer binge eat in the vain attempt to extinguish my grief or alleviate my loneliness. 

I look forward to socializing with my mommy friends again; To hanging out with your family for Memorial Day weekend, and with my own a few weeks later when I take a trip to Boston to see my mom.

For the most part I am happy-go-lucky, light-hearted Khadija again.

There are areas in which I am not yet okay, I know that. A few weeks ago your mother found a plastic bag containing a pack of your cinnamon Trident gum. She left it on the living room table and one day, when Amira was at the park and I was home alone, I unwrapped a piece of that five year old gum and put it in my mouth. The results were as unexpected as they were immediate. A blow to the gut so intense I had to make my way over to the dining room table to sit down. 

It was you. I was tasting you again and that recognition, coupled with the remembrance that this would NEVER happen again was a blow I'd been completely unprepared for. I spit out the gum, balled up the remaining packs in the plastic bag in which they'd come, and threw everything into the trash can. 

There is still hurt.

And the idea of being close to another man simultaneously terrifies and repulses me in equal parts. 

There is still unexcavated hurt that I'm not quite ready to face yet but...

On most days, I'm happy, I'm peaceful, I'm content. 

And for now that's more than enough.

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