My Way

Dear Lorenzo,

I'm starting to forget our life together.

I wonder if you have any idea what that feels like?

I wonder if wherever you are right now...you've started to move on from me too.

Started to move on to the next phase of your...

Life?

Maybe existence is a better word.

Wherever you are now, whatever you are now, your presence is still so real, so tangible for me that I don't suppose you'll ever really seem dead to me and yet...

I'm starting to create a new life without you.

I work a real-ass, full-time job, and am a real-ass, single-ass mama and I am alone and I am scared but I am still here.

I'm no longer vegan. I eat cheese and eggs damn near every day and they are once again two of my favorite foods.

I rarely, if ever, drink anymore but I smoke weed every day like I was eighteen again albeit this time around I smoke in moderation. This time around I smoke to relax after a long hard day at work and before an ever longer, harder night of cooking, cleaning, and parenting your moody, adolescent-in-all-of- its awfulness yet somehow still pretty awesome 11 year old daughter.

And I'm doing a pretty good job, Babe. Amira's healthy and happy. I'm happy and ACTIVELY, PURPOSEFULLY getting healthier every day.

I'm doing just fine and I'm doing it alone and I fuck up everyday, I'm sure, but I'm doing things MY way and...

I'm scared but...

I'm kind of excited too.

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