Like A Diamond

Dear Lorenzo, 

It's Sunday, 6:49 a.m. and already, not five minutes after waking up and rushing to the bathroom to pee, already I know that this is going to be the best day that I've had in so many, many days because...

Today's the day I begin the much-anticipated journey back to me.

Slowly, but surely.

Finally.

Six days ago I turned 46 years old.

It's been almost 4 1/2 years since you've been gone and Amira is doing great these days. Unlike so many students in her situation, she is absolutely thriving with eLearning. It's really helped her develop a true sense of ownership and responsibility for her classes and schoolwork. Although she doesn't have to login to homeroom until 8:45 a.m., she has set her alarm to go off at 7:15 a.m. Monday - Friday so that she has enough time to get herself focused and prepared for class. (Admittedly, she never actually hears the alarm go off at that time and, more often than not, needs to be dragged from the depths of unconsciousness by her frantic mother at 8:30 a.m. but...the extra early alarm was still a good idea...in theory anyway.) And at the end of the day, when school is over and her homework has been completed, she spends her time dancing, drawing, reading, and writing. 

She's happy again, Babe.

And I...

I'm happy again, too.

I hadn't been happy in a long time.

As you know, during your last couple of years on this planet...

We weren't always happy together.

It's been one of my biggest regrets, the weapon with which I chose to bludgeon myself in the years since you've been gone. 

I didn't make you happy toward the end of your life.

We fought a lot. 

You didn't feel loved or desired by me and you resented me for it.

I didn't feel heard or allowed to be my own flawed, fucked up, HUMAN self and I resented you for that.

We weren't always very good to each other and for that, I am eternally sorry but...

Long before I'd stopped showing you the love and attention that you deserved, I'd stopped showing up for myself as well. 

I backburnered my own dreams due to fear or laziness or focusing my time and energy on all of the wrong pursuits and I've paid dearly for that but...

That shit's about to change.

Since the lockdown began last year, I've rejoined Weight Watchers, really committed to the program and have lost 21 pounds so far. 

I downloaded a free app called Duolingo and have been feverishly studying Spanish for the past 235 days.

I began working full-time from home, and, much to my never-ending surprise, was recently promoted to Contracts Administrator, a job that will allow me to better provide for our daughter and myself as a single mother.

But even with all of those accomplishments on the horizon, even with all of the hope and joy I've felt over the past year, today is still the most exciting day I've had in a really long time because, today...on January 24th, 2021...

I am fully committed to writing again.

Finally.

Not haphazardly, not "when I feel like it", not when I'm in a good mood or have had a halfway decent day.

Today, I am committing to writing again every single day for the rest of my life, because it's still what makes me happiest and because it's still the faint voice in the back of my heart that whispers "what if you really can do it? What if you gave this a real try?"

What have I got to lose? 

And so, my alarm is now set for 6:00 a.m., Monday through Friday, giving me a solid hour to write before I hop on the elliptical for my workout, and then go back to the dining room table and begin work for the day. 

Maybe it's not what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. Maybe I'll never be James Baldwin, or Toni Morrison or Judy Blume or any of my other heroes for that matter but these days, being Khadija Jamila Brewington doesn't feel so shitty anymore. 

And for the first time since you've been gone, hell, for the first time since I gave up on myself so many, many years ago...I'm starting to like myself again. My dreams, ALL of them, are worth pursuing. They are worth the hard work, the dedication, the frustration and the time it will take to achieve them.

I am worth my own best efforts.

And I swear to you, Lorenzo, I finally feel ready to shine.